Humor As A Bandaid!

I have been told by those close to me that I use humor to hide my inner sadness. I guess I notice this too. I remember finding my humor when my grandfather became sick. He had cancer and it looked dim that he would make it. We were a pentecostal family. Italian-Irish breed. We were strong in faith and in family!

This however all came crushing down for me when I heard my grandpa utter the words "Why God, why?"! He had tried so valiantly to get up off his bed to simply go to the bathroom. He was so weak, but yet so stubborn. He didn't ask for help like always. Then he fell. He fell between the entertainment center and his hospital bed. He was too weak, we were unable to find a way to help him out of this predicament.

This, was where my grandfather took a turn for the worst. He was my father figure. The man who taught me to stand straight, respect woman and always put God first! He succumbed to the cancer just a few days before my birthday. I had to grow a lot that day. He died at 3:00 am on the dot. I wake up around 3am a lot and think of him.

I used humor to cover the pain of losing my grandpa. I used it to get out of fights at school. No one is liked for beating up the funny likable kid hehe! I used it to cover up my sexuality or my nervousness. I used it when the guy I liked decided we couldn't see one another anymore. I have grown a lot since then, but one thing continues...I use humor to cover how I feel.

I hate it!

I want to be able to tell someone I like them and not just joke around with them. I want to let people know when they hurt me that they hurt me. Not just brush it off with a casual joke and then sit empty staring at my picture of the San Francisco skyline hoping and wishing! You know when I'm real sad, I put on Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding and skip to the dinner table scene where they break out into "Say a Little Prayer For You"!

I love that!

I know one day I will find romance and love. I know that there is someone who will accept me for me. One of the best things to ever happen to me was finding my best friend, Nia! She is a lesbian and has helped me come to terms with myself. She helped me in more ways then she will ever know. I owe her my sanity cause she sure save me from losing it!